I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
His hands were made for my vagina.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
