I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
