mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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