Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
