I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
