I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I lost the right to judge tonight
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
