i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You took a bar mat shot.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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