I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
