May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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