The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
