I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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