So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Randomize
