You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
