dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
