he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
