I'm gonna have a badass scar
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
