you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
