I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
