I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
