piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
