but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
