I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
