What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
