if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
