i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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