Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
