Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
