This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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