I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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