Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
