HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
