i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
