i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
