If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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