Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
