I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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