omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
