she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
