i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
