no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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