I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
