i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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