Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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