Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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