Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize