dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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