my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
