dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
