and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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