I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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