Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
i've created a new STD.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
