trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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