I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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