I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
