a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
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